


all too well

by kurtains



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Break Up, Cheolsoo, M/M, One Shot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-11
Updated: 2016-11-11
Packaged: 2018-08-30 08:42:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,885
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8526454
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kurtains/pseuds/kurtains
Summary: in which a box under a bed leads to two people picking up where they left off





	

The date is January 3rd.

 

With all the New Year celebrations having died down, Seungcheol decides it's time to get himself together and clear out his apartment.  _New Year, New Me._ Time to get rid of the past year and all the bad memories and clutter that came with it.

He's never been the neatest person, but he's been known as the most distractible. Which is why he ends up sitting on the floor next to his bed, pulling out old junk from underneath and playing with each for a couple of minutes before tossing it to the side and fishing for another.

An old toy he thought he lost - Mr Bunny seems to have lost weight. An old candy wrapper - Halloween that year was fun. A single sock - he was never one for mismatched outfits.

He’s moving a large beanbag to the corner when he stubs his toe on a box peeking out from under the bed. It's dusty. Ready to have an argument with an inanimate object, he looks down, and the colour flashes in his eyes. A deep copper orange. Reminding him of a colour he used to know a long time ago.

 

 

Seungcheol picks it up and dusts it off, stiffening a bit when he sees the label neatly printed on the side.

 

' _joshua's :)_ '

 

It's almost been 2 years. March 17 two years ago - the date still hurts to remember. With the sun shining too brightly, the birds singing too loudly, it was hard to forget. Hard to forget Jisoo holding his hand just a little bit too tightly. Hard to forget how difficult it was to see Jisoo, unable to let go of Seungcheol's hands. How difficult it was for himself, letting go of the smaller hands. He remembers every curve in Jisoo's face as they both struggled to force a smile. Remembers how the light reflected too easily in Jisoo's eyes as tears threatened to fall.

 

He sucks in a breath and clears his thoughts before opening the box. And then the envelopes spill out. Envelopes of different sizes, different colours, different textures... but all with the same musty smell of memories, put away to be forgotten for 2 years.

 

Seungcheol’s breath catches.

 

He’d recognise that handwriting anywhere. Because locked in the drawer of his desk are about a hundred more of those letters, bearing that same print. Letters from drunk nights they spent in the car. A postcard from when Jisoo's family took a vacation to France. A scrap of paper torn from a notebook with a big lie scrawled in big loopy handwriting.

 

_“i love you”_

 

Seungcheol sits down on the bed with the box beside him and pulls letters out one by one, opening each envelope carefully. He’ll have to return this box to Jisoo another day.

 

What he’s not prepared for is to see his own name on every single one. On happier days, Jisoo would use a pastel pink pen. On days when things were a little rougher, Seungcheol might have received a letter scratched out in pencil or a cheap ballpoint pen, probably something Jisoo got for free at a hotel. Upset ramblings about bad luck, or a co-worker that was rude to him. Those were always followed by a rational reflection about seeing situations from both sides. That was Joshua. Often sensitive, but always, _always_ willing to forgive.

 

He sees his name on a letter with tiny blotches of smudged ink and wrinkles that look like they’ve been wet once a while ago. He doesn’t want to think about it.

 

He picks up one that looks particularly bright, a pink and red envelope with glitter and stickers spilling out the sides. He can almost see the determination in Jisoo’s eyes as he had picked out exactly which stickers to use.

 

Unsure of what he’s afraid of, Seungcheol hesitates, then decides _f- it_ and pulls the letter out of the envelope.

 

 

The date is February 14th, 5 years ago. It’s also their first month anniversary.

 

“ _Dear Seungcheollie~_

_I really enjoyed myself with you today. Being with you, it felt like all my problems didn’t exist. I know I haven’t said it back before because I was shy but… I do love you._

_Most love,_

_Jisoo”_

 

Seungcheol smiles a bit. They’ve been broken up for a while, but he still knows Joshua like the back of his hand. Still knows how the shy gentle boy from 5 years ago would have blushed writing this letter and chickened out on ever sending it.

 

He looks to his closet, knowing that behind those closed cherry wood doors, there’s a scarf from that very day. One that Joshua had wrapped neatly into a little box with a red ribbon that he couldn’t look bring himself to present to Seungcheol while looking him in the eyes.

 

Seungcheol thumbs the letter, sliding it back into its envelope so carefully, like it might fall apart and take the sentiments with it.

 

 

He pulls out another at random - a slightly crumpled and torn ruled paper. It’s not in an envelope, but rather carelessly folded into a little square, just like little notes passed in class. He reads.

 

1 August

_“ ~~My love, his eyes are like the sea~~ ”_

_“ ~~My love, his arms are like home~~ ”_

_“ ~~The way~~ ”_

_“ ~~I love how he~~ ”_

_“ ~~If I could find a way to say,~~_

_~~how much I love you~~ ”_

 

Each line being striked out with more and more frustration.

 

Seungcheol freezes at the realisation that this was probably Jisoo trying to craft out a poem for his birthday. Not sure which year.

 

Lifting his head, he sees the desk illuminated by the bright sunlight forcing its way through the window. The same desk that Jisoo was probably hunched over years ago as he tried to put his words together.

 

His heart pangs. Seungcheol’s voice fills his own head, of days when he chided Jisoo for not putting equal effort into their relationship. Days when he’d asked, _Do you even care?_ Days when he’d stayed over at Jihoon’s house because he came home to see Jeonghan in their house.

 

Not that Jeonghan and Jisoo had been doing anything they shouldn’t have. They were only baking. But it had been a rough day and seeing Jeonghan press cake batter onto Jisoo’s nose had been the last straw. He left as soon as he had entered, pretending not to hear the “Hi!”s and then the “Seungcheol what’s wrong” that chased him down the hallway.

 

The unfinished poem felt heavy in his hands. A permanent reminder of the angry text he had typed out that night.

  

_do you even care about me._

  

He bites his lip.

 

 _One more,_ he convinces himself. _One more, before the box is sealed up and sent back to Jisoo._

 

He finds one angry letter, dark blue words of hurt and accusation spilling out the mouth of the envelope, probably.

  

The date is March 17. Two years ago.

Seungcheol can feel the wind against his face. He was there.

The date is March 17. Two years ago.

Joshua’s breaths were deep and heavy; he was biting his lips.

The date is March 17. Two years ago.

When they finally decided the magic wasn’t there anymore and they’d been spending more time fighting instead of loving.

March 17. Two years ago.

The day Seungcheol stood, leaned up against the doorframe and staring at his feet with his hands in his pockets as Jisoo silently pressed his clothes and knick knacks into his suitcase.

March 17.

The day Jisoo faked a smile and walked out of that doorway for one last time and walked home alone, unknowingly leaving behind a copper orange box.

 

 

 

Seungcheol tenses, preparing himself for what he’s about to read. Paragraphs about all his mistakes perhaps.

 

He looks down, expecting blocks of angry words.

 

Instead, the letter is short and simple.

 

 

_“I’m sorry I couldn’t be what you wanted._

_Thank you for loving me when you did.”_

 

 

A shot goes off in his mind. Seungcheol doesn’t know how or why, but suddenly he’s filled with urgency and need.

He has to get to Jisoo’s house and he has to get there now.

 

It’s only as he kicks open the door, car keys in hand that he realises it had begun pouring while he was thinking about the past. He hadn’t noticed then, but it didn’t matter anyway.

 

He arrives at Joshua’s doorstep, wet hair pressed against his forehead. Panting from having run there from the parking lot, he pushes his hand hard on the doorbell.

 

Jeonghan’s face greets him and his heart sinks a bit. He’s wearing a ring

 

 

 _No,_ he thinks, _Jisoo would have told me. Jisoo would have told me._

 

 

“I… I need to see Jisoo,” he breathes out, caring less and less by the second whether or not Jeonghan would or should be upset at this.

 

Jeonghan raises an eyebrow and pulls him in.

 

“He’s in his room. You might want to dry you feet befo-“

 

“Thanks,” Seungcheol pushes past Jeonghan a bit more harshly than he had intended.

 

 

He stomps desperately through the hall, reaching for the one room at the end that had soft music playing from it against the roars of thunder.

 

Just as he reaches it, a small head peeps out.

A small head, curious to know what all the noise is outside.

A small head, with wide eyes that widen further when they land on Seungcheol.

 

Seungcheol pauses too.

 

_He’s real. He’s here._

 

Jisoo steps out into the hallway. Hands dropped at his sides in shock.

 

_He’s here._

 

March 17th comes back to Seungcheol in flashes.

 

 

One moment he’s here in a dark hallway -blink- and now he’s standing next to the street with the sun beating down on him.

 

One moment the wind is pushing past his face and through his hair -blink- and now the air is still, both in his lungs and in Joshua’s house.

 

One moment Joshua is there, holding on to his hands, reluctant to let go -blink- and Joshua is still there. Looking at him with familiar eyes.

 

 

Seungcheol isn’t sure what to do. He honestly didn’t have a plan thought up when he was climbing into his car 20 minutes ago and he definitely didn’t have one now either.

 

The two blink at each other for a moment.

 

_No ring._

 

Seungcheol’s heart begins beating again.

 

_He’s not wearing a ring._

 

His feet pull him a single step closer to Joshua, and his hands hold out the three letters he hadn’t realised he was clutching in his pocket until now.

 

“Hi.”

 

Jisoo’s eyes scan the stack of papers clasped in thick hands. A moment of recognition. It clicks in Joshua's head. The sound of a short burst of laughter shoots through the air, and Seungcheol can breathe again. He doesn't know what kind of reaction he had expected from Joshua. Light-hearted, kind, Joshua.

 

Jisoo takes the letters and opens them, flattening them out neatly as he leads Seungcheol to the living room to sit and talk.

“It’s been a while,” Joshua whispers behind a small smile.

 

The walls fall down, even though Seungcheol doesn’t know that on Jisoo’s bed lies an unfinished letter, fresh ink still glistening on its interrupted words.

 

 

“It was you and it’s always going to be you.”

 


End file.
